Harry Potter: and...... what the hell just happened?

All right, back in the saddle..... well not literally the saddle, but rat6her returning to something that is greatly enjoyed and familiar to me and my (1-1/2) viewers; bashing new, and popular movies (games, books.... you know the drill{etc}).

So now the much delayed review of Harry Potter: and the Half-Blood Prince.

First of all for all It is safe to say, nothing happened they spent the entire time getting shitfaced and "slogging" or the hogwarts-ism for making-out. Yes in this "grand masterwork" the only significant event was the death of Dumbledore, Before you cry "spoiler" remember that the death of this "mighty" wizard has been on the airwaves for months, c'mon with the release of the book (well the most recent one) the buzz was about Dumbledore dying. Though you may taught the other "twist" of the story as significant: the turning of Snape to the 'dark-side' was pretty much a foregone conclusion, if you seriously believed after reading any of the books or seeing movies that Rowling was creative enough to use a twist like "Snape is actually the good guy" you probably should line up for your free Scientology screening.

"it's called Scientology and it's more frightening than
all the shit we deal with, combined!!"

So after the previews roll we are whisked away to Hogwarts (well an English train station.... close enough) where we find harry transformed into some magical pimp that can bone any 'muggle' girl he chooses, well not really but it does make a better exposition don't you think. So harry is his same old (loser) self (in a train station) and is yet again recruited by Dumbledore who has somehow in the course of a year learned to use magic as well as gaining a sense of morose humor (or was that me). any way the story is something like this...

Harry is
in a restaurant
in a house
talking to a chair
with the Weasly's
running through the Weasly's burning estate estate
getting his ass kicked
getting shitfaced
at Hogwarts
talking to Dumbledore
brewing potions with a cheat sheet
talking to Dumbledore
getting shitfaced
"slogging"
Dramatic speech
(repeat the last four steps for an hour)
running for his life
watching Dumbledore die
getting his ass kicked
Dramatic speech

a scene in which three of the four primary
'story' elements come into play

So as you can hazard The story is lacking, "but there must be something to qualify this as a worthy movie,"-you say. The music is as always top notch, the effects were good, but far to artificial: replacing the actors in most cases as a stunt prop would replace the hero prop, all the while landing in the "uncanny valley". The action was...... lukewarm, though most of the "action" was Harry's crew getting some, the rest are thrills of the cheap, shit your pants, ghoul-out-of-a-cupboard variety. So when asked If the movie should bee seen, I'd say yes; if only to keep up with pop culture, for it's greatest flaw is relying on the Name and Rowling's poor story too cull the herd and drain their colective pocket.

Six-String Samurai

Six-string samurai is an obscure low-budget post-apocalyptic science fiction epic released in 1998, it has won a cult following over the years; defanatly less than it deserves, but still enough to have 127,000 hits on Google ( for comparison Halo receives 110,000,000 hits). The epic tale of Buddy goes something like this.

In 1957 the Russians nuked the US then took over the smoldering rubble, the last bastion of freedom; Los(t) Vegas stood alone in the wasteland and Elvis was crowned It's first king (of rock 'n' roll). Now it's 50 years later Elvis has died and and every Guitar strumming sword swinging opportunist is trying to make it to Lost Vegas to succeed him, including The Six-String Samurai; Buddy (Jeffrey Falcon) a hero who combines the best aspects of a 50's rocker and wandering warrior Into one uber-epic Package. Buddy must fight his way through the post-apocalyptic wasteland to Los(t) Vegas and ditch a bothersome urchin (Justin Mcguire) If he is to ever become the next king of rock 'n' roll. Along his travels he must deal with a windmill-worshiping cult, bounty hunting bowlers, a cannibalism family, and even the Russian Army; with his katana in one hand and his six-string in the other eventually leading up to an epic rock-duel with the metal-shredding Slash-Esque Grim Reaper (Stephane Gauger) over the child's soul.

Six-String Samurai has won a place in my top 10 favorite movies of all time (bah, who thought those bloody Indies and I would ever agree). The soundtrack by The Red Elvises is absolutely superb, and the various other scores made were also top notch. Dispite cheap filmmakeing; it is my favorite movie I have seen this month (and that includes the X-files and Batman). So from the synopsis you can tell that this movie is utterly bizarre but believe me when I say that despite the Insanity and humor, this movie Is utterly epic, completely, as well as being bizarre, wilst still leaving room for traditional drama.

Overall this Is a movie that should be seen (probably with copious amounts of alcohol for best results) and if you can't(find and watch it); you are an Idiot.

Don't Mess with the Zohan

This movie can only be described as a 'hilarious sex-filled parody of the modern world with an equal bashing for all, Huzzah!', but on a slightly more objective note; this movie was 'good', just a few flaws shy of 'great', (I would normally use the segue "due primarily to the fact," but I won't because that would be to obvious so I'll settle for a simple) "because" of It's extensive use of crude bedroom romps, bedroom humor, hummus, and Adam Sandlers Bare ass (the worst of all). What Don't Mess with the Zohan did well though was giving every ethnic and social group involved an equal and well deserved bashing, not caving into political ravings, and fake Yiddish swear words, I mean seriously : oi lok at that boottahken over there......

..... agh! not again!

But seriously I believe Zohan is was an attempt by Sandler to see how far he could push the movie rating system as he could, there will probably be an unrated edition with only one or two things that just didn't fit under the bar of rated R. But enough of this pointless speculative soliloquy, you as a (friend, consumer, 'Regular reader' hopefuly) want to know whether to watch it or let It gather dust in the bargain bins of tomorrow; first of all I'd tell you to jump off a cliff or stop being so Black and white then I'd tell you that It is a movie that should be seen, not a movie to form a cult about, not one to buy stolen tickets, or even to love (unless you have a fetish of Sandlers Bum or hummus). If your are uncomfortable with any of the afore mentioned thing then you had best stay the hell away.



Avoid the dvd!

Indiana Jones: and the Carnival of Unlikeliness (spoiler alert!!!)

Indiana Jones: and the kingdom of the crystal skull was a poor substitute for an Indiana movie, whilst it was a top shelf movie it does not stand amongst the pantheon of truly great movies in which the first and last (crusade) Indiana Jones are members of. Over all the movie was good but flawed.

Let me explain, the story was crafted of only the strangest conspiracy theories , Russian alien/psychic research, el Dorado as an alien Built city, Roswell, flying saucers, inter dimensional beings, most blatantly the crystal skulls, and the list continues on. The only reasons I think are possibly for this idiotic dribble of a plot is either; 1. It was just a ploy to get money, 2. the entire premise of making the movie was to make fun of good ol' Indy, another possibility is that (3.) they just stamped the story with the good professor's name and called up Harrison(this is probably the most likely), or my personal favorite (4.) they hired a Invader Zim fanfic writer to come up with the premise or maybe they got high just before they started discussing plot, any way the result was the same, a really good movie that should not have been created using the Indiana Jones license. Second was (SPOILER ALERT!!!!) the most obvious plot twist in the history of plot twists the (don't recall his name) is Indiana Jones' son, I mean c'mon they were setting him up the entire time, the friendly (yet not fatherly advice) gave the entire thing away; I mean hay his first appearance I pointed him out and said " thats probably Indy's son". BAt my biggest grievance was the fact it was a carnival of unlikeliness, from all the senseless theories that come from college students and raving lunatics that will go climb mt. Everest if you said there was a UFO crash site at the top, to the increased dependence on Indy's Incredible luck, to the crazy spider monkey-ninja-unread-amazonian things, and surviving three 100 foot drops in a histrionically inaccurate Russian amphibious boat. But all this is nit picking, unless you cannot tolerate conspiracy (In a similar manner to my hatred of their senseless idiocy), if not you will love this movie: just don't think of it as an Indiana Jones sequel, and even if you can't stand conspiracy theories you will like this movie still.

Iron Man

I watched Iron man on mother's day with my mother, I know awesome mothers day right, and it can be described as one thing: Epic.

First in my trademark reviewing process I will complain first. well, all I can say is that i don't believe political messages and entertainment should mix, though Iron Man was not particularly political as Hollywood film-making goes; it still left a sour taste in my mouth. well I can't think of any other complaints except the 'I-world' vision of the future and why would he reveal himself, I mean c'mon he is the most pathetic superhero outside of the suit, so why would he put himself at such a risk, even the chances of people sueing him for damages are huge. So without-to-do: here's what I liked.

Iron Man was truly a good movie, acting was great, production values were great, and the technology (minus the arc-reactor) was realistic and obtainable. also here's an enjoyable tidbit of information the actor that played Stark, was like stark at the beginning of the movie, but by now he has made a turn around, not quite as extraordinary as Iron Man, but Interesting none-the -less. Also for once there was a truly despicable Bad guy not like lex (the weakling who wants revenge) ,the green goblin (a misguided druggy, with two personalities)or the Joker (stab you in the nuts lunicidal{insane, homicidal, somewhat funny}) but a perfectly sane man willing to sell out every thing (friends, country, followers) every thing for a quick buck (kind of like an 'E-Bayer' who went totally overboard), he may have been despicable but he was to much of a political statement for me. Over all this one is a must see, rent, and buy.


Lunicidal- Loon-ie-cide-al- the act of being completely insane, homicidal, and somewhat humorous