Harry Potter: and...... what the hell just happened?

All right, back in the saddle..... well not literally the saddle, but rat6her returning to something that is greatly enjoyed and familiar to me and my (1-1/2) viewers; bashing new, and popular movies (games, books.... you know the drill{etc}).

So now the much delayed review of Harry Potter: and the Half-Blood Prince.

First of all for all It is safe to say, nothing happened they spent the entire time getting shitfaced and "slogging" or the hogwarts-ism for making-out. Yes in this "grand masterwork" the only significant event was the death of Dumbledore, Before you cry "spoiler" remember that the death of this "mighty" wizard has been on the airwaves for months, c'mon with the release of the book (well the most recent one) the buzz was about Dumbledore dying. Though you may taught the other "twist" of the story as significant: the turning of Snape to the 'dark-side' was pretty much a foregone conclusion, if you seriously believed after reading any of the books or seeing movies that Rowling was creative enough to use a twist like "Snape is actually the good guy" you probably should line up for your free Scientology screening.

"it's called Scientology and it's more frightening than
all the shit we deal with, combined!!"

So after the previews roll we are whisked away to Hogwarts (well an English train station.... close enough) where we find harry transformed into some magical pimp that can bone any 'muggle' girl he chooses, well not really but it does make a better exposition don't you think. So harry is his same old (loser) self (in a train station) and is yet again recruited by Dumbledore who has somehow in the course of a year learned to use magic as well as gaining a sense of morose humor (or was that me). any way the story is something like this...

Harry is
in a restaurant
in a house
talking to a chair
with the Weasly's
running through the Weasly's burning estate estate
getting his ass kicked
getting shitfaced
at Hogwarts
talking to Dumbledore
brewing potions with a cheat sheet
talking to Dumbledore
getting shitfaced
"slogging"
Dramatic speech
(repeat the last four steps for an hour)
running for his life
watching Dumbledore die
getting his ass kicked
Dramatic speech

a scene in which three of the four primary
'story' elements come into play

So as you can hazard The story is lacking, "but there must be something to qualify this as a worthy movie,"-you say. The music is as always top notch, the effects were good, but far to artificial: replacing the actors in most cases as a stunt prop would replace the hero prop, all the while landing in the "uncanny valley". The action was...... lukewarm, though most of the "action" was Harry's crew getting some, the rest are thrills of the cheap, shit your pants, ghoul-out-of-a-cupboard variety. So when asked If the movie should bee seen, I'd say yes; if only to keep up with pop culture, for it's greatest flaw is relying on the Name and Rowling's poor story too cull the herd and drain their colective pocket.

Iron Man

I watched Iron man on mother's day with my mother, I know awesome mothers day right, and it can be described as one thing: Epic.

First in my trademark reviewing process I will complain first. well, all I can say is that i don't believe political messages and entertainment should mix, though Iron Man was not particularly political as Hollywood film-making goes; it still left a sour taste in my mouth. well I can't think of any other complaints except the 'I-world' vision of the future and why would he reveal himself, I mean c'mon he is the most pathetic superhero outside of the suit, so why would he put himself at such a risk, even the chances of people sueing him for damages are huge. So without-to-do: here's what I liked.

Iron Man was truly a good movie, acting was great, production values were great, and the technology (minus the arc-reactor) was realistic and obtainable. also here's an enjoyable tidbit of information the actor that played Stark, was like stark at the beginning of the movie, but by now he has made a turn around, not quite as extraordinary as Iron Man, but Interesting none-the -less. Also for once there was a truly despicable Bad guy not like lex (the weakling who wants revenge) ,the green goblin (a misguided druggy, with two personalities)or the Joker (stab you in the nuts lunicidal{insane, homicidal, somewhat funny}) but a perfectly sane man willing to sell out every thing (friends, country, followers) every thing for a quick buck (kind of like an 'E-Bayer' who went totally overboard), he may have been despicable but he was to much of a political statement for me. Over all this one is a must see, rent, and buy.


Lunicidal- Loon-ie-cide-al- the act of being completely insane, homicidal, and somewhat humorous

Zero Punctuation

If you have never watched Ben "yahtzee" rant psychotically on zero punctuation, or seen anything else by him: you should, sure he may hurt your feelings with his reveiws, that is if your the lapdog of reveiwers.

First of all: the complaints, as always............... um................. well i guess some times he pisses people (not me) off.

Now what i like; he is completely mad, in a good way, he is honest in his reveiws (even though it may seem that he is taking cheap shots), finally he is genuinely funny; his wit is fresh, he uses verbal/visual puns, and dishes out plenty of verbal abuse.

over all he is great, though you should not use him as your only source for reveiws, though he should always be 'a' source, because he always points out every single flaw in a game.

you can find Yahtzee's Zero punctuation series at http://www.escapistmagazine.com/articles/view/editorials/zeropunctuation
and any thing else by him at www.fullyramblomatic.com.

Review: Bioshock (a fun romp through a strange steampunk land)

Bioshock can best be defined as a fist person romp through an underwater-steampunk-utopia that has a major problem with its in habitants mutating themselves, going insane, and trying to eat little girls. So with this little summary in mind lets get to the meat of this review.

The story of the game goes something like this: you (a nameless-faceless-dork whose only distinguishing trait is a couple of chain tattoos on his wrists, or maybe he is just a pair of disembodied arms, who cares) survive a plane crash somewhere in the north Atlantic, you swim through the wreckage to a, well I really don't know what it is, maybe it's a light house, any way you swim to it and climb up a stair case through the door only to be greeted by darkness then the lights come on, only intensifying the already creepy atmosphere, you, being the idiot that you are; go wandering around the place until find a Submersible, again the idiot that is you climbs inside and pulls a lever labeled controls the pod descents into the murky but remarkably shallow depths of Rapture, figuratively and literally.

First off, all that is bad with Bioshock, the scary atmosphere that you would think would last the entirety of the game ends roughly about the time you find your first vending machine screaming "welcome to the circus of value!" (roughly twenty minutes in) of course those severe cases of cloulrophobia (fear of clowns) or white-coat hypertension would disagree with this statement for the vending machine is right next to the medical pavilion. Second The game is to Friggin' easy; roughly from the time when you obtain you first plasmid, a gene altering substance that gives you powers like shocking people , hence the "Bio" and "Shock", later in the game you can kill just about anything with your godlike powers, there is also to many "vit-a-chambers" (revival stations) I personally never died but if I some how get myself up with 10 grenades (thats what it takes) or just stood their and let a Big Daddy pound me for half an hour I wouldn't lose more than ten minutes(minus the time it takes to die) of progress, and the shear power of you plasmids and the lack of splicers having mastery of them just makes them all fodder. third is the game's obsession of doing strange things to little girls, it's a wonder that splicers and the "nameless-faceless-dork" have not atracted dateline 20/20's attention, or maybe the Big Daddies are all Chris Hanson clones:



But enough complaining here is what makes the game worth buying, even playing on an old 24 inch tv the game is beautiful, despite the blatant lack of scariness it maintained a creepy atmosphere throughout the game, It has a calculable chance of diving you insane (temporarily, happened to me), above all the game is original and fun, FUN!

Over all 52 pickles; the game and I, are insane and I don't feel like using up one f-ing hour of my life just so you can skip the well written review to the score.